When you were born, first daughter-of-mine, I prayed. I prayed that I would never make any mistakes. Quite a prayer, really, looking back and seeing the amount of mistakes I did make!
I remember praying that prayer a lot. Hundreds, even thousands of times in your young life. I thought that if I could only be perfect in everything I did, nothing bad would happen. Look at how that turned out, hey?
It took me many, many years to realize that I cannot be perfect! There is no such thing as perfection! In fact, I think I may be the most imperfect person I know. Man, I really, really hate admitting that. That's how much I still long to be perfect!
But this essay is not on perfection. It is on parenting. At least, my parenting.
I honestly wish I got to do it over, with the knowledge I now have, that I wish I had had back then. But more about mistake making later...
I want to try to explain the-most-wonderful-feeling-ever. It was the day each of you were born. The moment you were each put into my arms, there was a rush of something I had never felt before. I honestly believe that there is a love that lays dormant inside each of us until the day we hold our new baby. It sure felt like it to me. My heart welled up inside me in a way that I can barely describe in words. You three were gifts from God to us, your dad and I. Precious, precious gifts. To this day when I think of each of you my heart overflows. The love of a parent for their child is all consuming....
I write about this, dear first-daughter-of-mine, because in just two months you and your husband will be welcoming new life into your little family. And I want you-all three of you, my children, to know that you were, and are, loved deeply. You were, all three of you, wanted, fiercely. You have all brought such incredible joy to my heart and to my life. I treasure each of you.
If I could have a do-over, this is what I would do differently. I would acknowledge your feelings. In my growing up years, my feelings weren't so important. Any time I had a feeling, I would be laughed at, scorned, or told to 'get over it.' So it became easier to stuff my feelings, and for that I paid a very, very dear price. I worry that because I was not allowed to have feelings, that I may have not taught you that feelings need to be acknowledged-not scoffed at, or teased about, or told to get over it - no matter how trivial they may seem in the moment.
Something else I would do differently is this - I would allow anger. Anger was not allowed when I was growing up - in fact, anger was to be feared. With anger came very frightening things, so anger must be avoided at all costs. But I've since learned that anger is just another feeling. Anger can and should be felt and dealt with - and it is so important to learn healthy ways to deal with anger. Anger does not have to be feared, but instead, dealt with in the moment. If anger is stuffed, it becomes depression or something equally as difficult to have to live your life with.
Another thing I would change, if I had a do-over. I would try to make you feel so special! Like you three children were the most special three children in the universe! I had no idea how to do that, my darlings, because in the deepest part of my heart I believed I was not really wanted when I was a child. I want you to know you are everything to me, and if I failed to show that in any way, I am so very sorry.
Also, I would listen to you. I would give you my full-on attention. Instead of being impatient with you, telling you to go and play, or being too busy to stop and hear what you had to say. Or getting angry with you when you were only trying to be heard.....
But, I don't get a do-over. I wish I did. I often wonder why it is that the knowledge we need as a young person doesn't arrive until we are older. It doesn't seem fair, somehow. But there it is.
So, my darling first-daughter-about-to-have-her-first-child, listen to my words. And to my second daughter and my only son, heed what I have to say when someday you might have your first child. Because how I long for a do-over......
With love,
Your mother
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