Hello lovely children, mom here...
About Grandpa. Again, someone I've never told you about. Sad, I know-but it hurt me to talk about my family at all, I guess, at least until I got the anger and sadness out. But I'll try, now, at least a little...
Your Grandpa was handsome! He had eyes like Anthony Hopkins - and every time I see Mr. Hopkins on the screen I am instantly reminded of Dad. And he had this great chuckle - I can still hear it, you know? Funny thing, how I can remember my Dad's laughter, after all this time. He absolutely loved nature, and would often take my younger brother and I on long walks in the woods, and teach us about plants and trees, and make 'acorn pipes' for us - tiny acorns stabbed with a small stick - simple, but thrilling to us as little people.
Your grandpa was a hard working man. He was the Foreman and Union Representative at one of the factories in our town. Honestly, , I don't know how they did it, mom and dad. Worked full time and came home to raise ten children. Pretty unbelievable, honestly. I remember Dad coming home from work one night and one of my six brothers was hiding under the table. Dad said....'get out from under there...(one name)...I mean (another name)...I mean (yet another name)........ohhhhh stay under there!' He had so many kids he couldn't keep our names straight! That was pretty funny, for sure.
Your Grandpa loved to tell jokes, and loved to laugh. He also was a hunter and fisherman. He would go deer hunting every fall and we would eat venison throughout the winter. He also hunted ducks. And caught fish. He taught your uncles to do all of that, and I think they still do. We had numerous guns in our house, and thought nothing of it. Nowadays, I'd be horrified to have a gun in the house - and am horrified to think of a beautiful deer being shot. Funny, since I grew up in that environment...
I think I was ten when he had his first heart attack. He would have been in his late forties, I think. I remember being outside, and seeing the ambulance drivers bring the bed into the house. No one had told me what had happened. I remember being too frightened to go into the house, and I just stood there, in our front yard, not knowing what to do, until the drivers brought dad out on the stretcher and carried him down the sidewalk. I remember him looking at me and saying 'don't worry, I'll be home soon'. I remember wrapping myself in the sheets that were hanging on the line, and crying. Funny thing...no one ever talked to me about that day. I went into the house and no one thought it might be important to put my mind at ease...or even tell me what had happened. That's what it was like, living in my family. A bit crazy....
You know, as I sit here writing, I realize how very few memories I do have of him. I wish I did have more......I'll 'think harder' to try to find some, and write again about him soon...
Love,
Mom
Sunday, 18 March 2012
Sunday, 11 March 2012
A Story For You...
Hello kids, you-know-who-speaking...
A little (old) journal entry to share with you...yes, I've been writing a very long time. Just never thought anyone might want to listen until more recently....
September 17, 1994
"Tonight, as every night, my daughters and I went through the bedtime routine - pj's on, teeth brushed, stories, songs, prayers, kisses, I Love You's. Tonight, though, my four year old, Jayne, asked if she could tell us a story, so she sat up in bed and rattled on about some funny men wearing funny helmets and going up into space - 'what are those men called again, mommy?'
As she talked I watched her sweet, innocent face in the glow of the night light. I have been aware of her very recent step into independence. I can feel the apron strings which have been tied so tightly around her and I, loosening ever-so-slowly, as she steps out gingerly to find her footing in what has been for her a scary world. And though at times I've wanted this moment to come, now that it is arriving I feel I'm not ready just yet. I'm not ready for her to be able reason things out. I am not ready to drop her off at preschool and have her wave 'bye mom!' so easily, when in times past she has clung securely to my side. What a change! What a shock to my system it has been! Of course I am proud, and happy to see her growing in confidence, but still there's that part of me that says NO, NOT YET, PLEASE!
I watch her animated face and listen to her wonderful lisp as she finishes her story, and I realize, to use an old cliché - time sure flies when you're having fun! And I am having so much fun, mothering these three wonderful children! But they are growing, so quickly! My oldest, Anna, is almost seven, and my youngest, Evan, is already over one year old! Right now they still need me very much, and I need to be needed by them! But with each year, those needs become less and less until - what? What happens when they no longer come to us to kiss their owwies or cuddle them in our laps or wrestle with them? New stages of life, I guess. I really shouldn't get ahead of myself....
As I kiss and cuddle Jayne and Anna one last time before I leave their room, I realize afresh that I need to savor these moments while they are young - while they are still dependent and cuddly and silly and easy to please. Because I'll surely miss them when they're all grown up - too old for all that silly kissing and cuddling and hugging stuff - old enough to make their own choices. So, I'll enjoy each special time now, and I'll make sure there are LOTS of them, so when I feel like I need a child-hug I can dig back into my memory and there will be lots to choose from...."
Love to each of you,
From your silly-sentimental ol' mom
xxxooo
A little (old) journal entry to share with you...yes, I've been writing a very long time. Just never thought anyone might want to listen until more recently....
September 17, 1994
"Tonight, as every night, my daughters and I went through the bedtime routine - pj's on, teeth brushed, stories, songs, prayers, kisses, I Love You's. Tonight, though, my four year old, Jayne, asked if she could tell us a story, so she sat up in bed and rattled on about some funny men wearing funny helmets and going up into space - 'what are those men called again, mommy?'
As she talked I watched her sweet, innocent face in the glow of the night light. I have been aware of her very recent step into independence. I can feel the apron strings which have been tied so tightly around her and I, loosening ever-so-slowly, as she steps out gingerly to find her footing in what has been for her a scary world. And though at times I've wanted this moment to come, now that it is arriving I feel I'm not ready just yet. I'm not ready for her to be able reason things out. I am not ready to drop her off at preschool and have her wave 'bye mom!' so easily, when in times past she has clung securely to my side. What a change! What a shock to my system it has been! Of course I am proud, and happy to see her growing in confidence, but still there's that part of me that says NO, NOT YET, PLEASE!
I watch her animated face and listen to her wonderful lisp as she finishes her story, and I realize, to use an old cliché - time sure flies when you're having fun! And I am having so much fun, mothering these three wonderful children! But they are growing, so quickly! My oldest, Anna, is almost seven, and my youngest, Evan, is already over one year old! Right now they still need me very much, and I need to be needed by them! But with each year, those needs become less and less until - what? What happens when they no longer come to us to kiss their owwies or cuddle them in our laps or wrestle with them? New stages of life, I guess. I really shouldn't get ahead of myself....
As I kiss and cuddle Jayne and Anna one last time before I leave their room, I realize afresh that I need to savor these moments while they are young - while they are still dependent and cuddly and silly and easy to please. Because I'll surely miss them when they're all grown up - too old for all that silly kissing and cuddling and hugging stuff - old enough to make their own choices. So, I'll enjoy each special time now, and I'll make sure there are LOTS of them, so when I feel like I need a child-hug I can dig back into my memory and there will be lots to choose from...."
Love to each of you,
From your silly-sentimental ol' mom
xxxooo
More Stories, please!
Hello Children, mom here.....
After my first short poll on how I was doing writing this, I was told - more stories! - and (maybe) a bit less preaching.....(not really said but implied). I'll tell you more stories, my loves. But I'll also tell you these other things, because I am your mother, and because I know what it's like to not have a mother who shared her life with me - both good and bad. I truly regret not having that. And I will not always be around -though if I have my way I'll be around a good, long time yet!
There are so many things I wish I knew about her! Who was she when she was married at the incredibly early age of seventeen? What was her relationship with her father like? Her mother? Her siblings? What hopes and dreams did she have? How did she see herself in the world? Did she feel like she fit in? And the one I wish I knew most of all......why, oh why, was she so incredibly angry? What failed to happen for her that caused her to be so scary to us...that caused her to continually threaten to leave us all - and yet, still be able to show a very loving side as well......
So, I hope you don't mind that I share some things with you - and sometimes they might seem a bit preachy. If you don't like some of those entries, well, just skip them for the lighter ones, and come back to them when you're good and ready. But I want you to know all there is to know. I want you to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to where I am right now. So that when I'm not around, you won't be able to say as I have said so much...."I barely knew my mother". That is one sad statement.
Stay tuned....
Mom
After my first short poll on how I was doing writing this, I was told - more stories! - and (maybe) a bit less preaching.....(not really said but implied). I'll tell you more stories, my loves. But I'll also tell you these other things, because I am your mother, and because I know what it's like to not have a mother who shared her life with me - both good and bad. I truly regret not having that. And I will not always be around -though if I have my way I'll be around a good, long time yet!
There are so many things I wish I knew about her! Who was she when she was married at the incredibly early age of seventeen? What was her relationship with her father like? Her mother? Her siblings? What hopes and dreams did she have? How did she see herself in the world? Did she feel like she fit in? And the one I wish I knew most of all......why, oh why, was she so incredibly angry? What failed to happen for her that caused her to be so scary to us...that caused her to continually threaten to leave us all - and yet, still be able to show a very loving side as well......
So, I hope you don't mind that I share some things with you - and sometimes they might seem a bit preachy. If you don't like some of those entries, well, just skip them for the lighter ones, and come back to them when you're good and ready. But I want you to know all there is to know. I want you to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to where I am right now. So that when I'm not around, you won't be able to say as I have said so much...."I barely knew my mother". That is one sad statement.
Stay tuned....
Mom
Saturday, 4 February 2012
To My Daughters....
Hello, my beautiful daughters, mom here....
Always remember - You. Are. Powerful. And everything you need to be the best person you can, is right there, inside you. Often, we don't see it. Or can't acknowledge it. It's easier to say, 'I just can't do it!" But, I have learned in my years, that I CAN do it. And so can you. Whatever "IT" is.
Sometimes, as women, we try to 'dumb ourselves down' - to feel accepted by others. DON'T. The two of you are so strong, so intelligent, and have so much to give this world! If others don't get it, that's not your fault. BE the lovely women that you ARE, every moment of every day. Others might not understand that light that is inside you. Shine brightly, anyway.
Remember, you matter! Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter! Your ideas matter! You have a right to be heard, and not silenced, or teased, or made to feel small. Don't let anyone do that to you!
In order to have what it takes to care for others, you must care for yourself, first. That's a concept that was pretty foreign to me, your mom. I was taught that it was always others first. But you cannot be there in a healthy way for others unless you have filled yourself with whatever it is you need to be full of energy and light...whether that be quiet time, a hot bath, a nap, meditation, yoga, prayer, time to cry or be angry, whatever. Give yourself what you need. Then and only then will you have what it takes to be effective and happy in the world.
Never give up your power. It is so easy to do, sometimes! Sometimes we feel that 'inner child' coming out, and feel like we have to give up and live small and let others do it for us. Catch yourself when that happens. Reassure that inner child that you, your adult self, is in charge. Take back that power before you become so vulnerable that you are hurt or abused.
Always remember - You Are Powerful. You Are Amazing. You Are a Bright Light in this World. Shine!
All my love,
Mom
Always remember - You. Are. Powerful. And everything you need to be the best person you can, is right there, inside you. Often, we don't see it. Or can't acknowledge it. It's easier to say, 'I just can't do it!" But, I have learned in my years, that I CAN do it. And so can you. Whatever "IT" is.
Sometimes, as women, we try to 'dumb ourselves down' - to feel accepted by others. DON'T. The two of you are so strong, so intelligent, and have so much to give this world! If others don't get it, that's not your fault. BE the lovely women that you ARE, every moment of every day. Others might not understand that light that is inside you. Shine brightly, anyway.
Remember, you matter! Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter! Your ideas matter! You have a right to be heard, and not silenced, or teased, or made to feel small. Don't let anyone do that to you!
In order to have what it takes to care for others, you must care for yourself, first. That's a concept that was pretty foreign to me, your mom. I was taught that it was always others first. But you cannot be there in a healthy way for others unless you have filled yourself with whatever it is you need to be full of energy and light...whether that be quiet time, a hot bath, a nap, meditation, yoga, prayer, time to cry or be angry, whatever. Give yourself what you need. Then and only then will you have what it takes to be effective and happy in the world.
Never give up your power. It is so easy to do, sometimes! Sometimes we feel that 'inner child' coming out, and feel like we have to give up and live small and let others do it for us. Catch yourself when that happens. Reassure that inner child that you, your adult self, is in charge. Take back that power before you become so vulnerable that you are hurt or abused.
Always remember - You Are Powerful. You Are Amazing. You Are a Bright Light in this World. Shine!
All my love,
Mom
We All Do The Best We Can...
Hi kids, mom here....
One thing I hope you all will find in your own hearts is compassion. I have come to believe that even though we don't always do the 'right' thing, or make the 'right' choice, or do what others think we 'should' do..........I truly believe we are all going about our lives, and doing the best we can with the information we have available to us in that moment.
Sometimes it's so difficult not to judge others. We see someone doing something we don't agree with, or making a life choice that we think is really stupid or lame or just plain wrong. Instead of judging, can we try to put ourselves in that person's shoes, instead? We don't know that person's life. We can't feel what they are feeling, we don't understand what makes them who they are, or what makes them make choices we think are wrong........
Sometimes, some of us get stuck in certain ways of being, and we don't know how to get out of those ways. Sometimes, we can't even see that we are stuck....but everyone around us can see! And it's frustrating to see those we love make the same mistakes again and again, and we feel like 'throwing in the towel' where they are concerned. But it's not easy to be stuck in a certain way of being...even if we understand it's not the best way for us! Sometimes, we think we don't have choices...even though we do!
I guess all I'm trying to say, my lovely children, is be compassionate to others as much as you can, even if they drive you crazy! Until we have walked in their shoes, we cannot understand. And if we can't truly understand, how can we judge?
Love to you all,
Mom
One thing I hope you all will find in your own hearts is compassion. I have come to believe that even though we don't always do the 'right' thing, or make the 'right' choice, or do what others think we 'should' do..........I truly believe we are all going about our lives, and doing the best we can with the information we have available to us in that moment.
Sometimes it's so difficult not to judge others. We see someone doing something we don't agree with, or making a life choice that we think is really stupid or lame or just plain wrong. Instead of judging, can we try to put ourselves in that person's shoes, instead? We don't know that person's life. We can't feel what they are feeling, we don't understand what makes them who they are, or what makes them make choices we think are wrong........
Sometimes, some of us get stuck in certain ways of being, and we don't know how to get out of those ways. Sometimes, we can't even see that we are stuck....but everyone around us can see! And it's frustrating to see those we love make the same mistakes again and again, and we feel like 'throwing in the towel' where they are concerned. But it's not easy to be stuck in a certain way of being...even if we understand it's not the best way for us! Sometimes, we think we don't have choices...even though we do!
I guess all I'm trying to say, my lovely children, is be compassionate to others as much as you can, even if they drive you crazy! Until we have walked in their shoes, we cannot understand. And if we can't truly understand, how can we judge?
Love to you all,
Mom
Saturday Morning
Hello Children, mom here...
This morning I am sitting here writing to you in the quiet of my home. I was supposed to be having a meeting with a friend right about now, but, alas, she cancelled at the last minute. So here I sit, all ready to go out, and nowhere to go....a bit frustrated, but there it is.
While frustrated (and a bit annoyed I didn't get to sleep in when I really could have!), as I sit here in the quiet of this morning, I am also filled with gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for! I have you three amazing, and wonderful children in my life. And a new son-in-law. And a grandson that brings a surge of joy every single time I look at his tiny face. Wow. Such blessings.
And I realize, that my life is becoming 'bigger'. Remember those years, not-so-long ago, when I never could summon the strength or courage to even go outside the house? Well, those years seem distant, now, and I feel my life growing in strength every single day. There are so many more people in it than there ever was before. Good, good friends that I love and appreciate, and who love and appreciate me, too. A job I NEVER expected to have, with responsibilities that I couldn't have imagined I would be able to handle just a few years ago. Working with people that I love, in capacities that still amaze me. I am not who I was, before. And it makes me realize just how much people can change, when they are willing and have the support in which to do so.
I don't have much by the world's standards, but I have everything I need, and more. I love my life, every single day.
And I love you all, with all my heart...
Mom
This morning I am sitting here writing to you in the quiet of my home. I was supposed to be having a meeting with a friend right about now, but, alas, she cancelled at the last minute. So here I sit, all ready to go out, and nowhere to go....a bit frustrated, but there it is.
While frustrated (and a bit annoyed I didn't get to sleep in when I really could have!), as I sit here in the quiet of this morning, I am also filled with gratitude. I have so much to be grateful for! I have you three amazing, and wonderful children in my life. And a new son-in-law. And a grandson that brings a surge of joy every single time I look at his tiny face. Wow. Such blessings.
And I realize, that my life is becoming 'bigger'. Remember those years, not-so-long ago, when I never could summon the strength or courage to even go outside the house? Well, those years seem distant, now, and I feel my life growing in strength every single day. There are so many more people in it than there ever was before. Good, good friends that I love and appreciate, and who love and appreciate me, too. A job I NEVER expected to have, with responsibilities that I couldn't have imagined I would be able to handle just a few years ago. Working with people that I love, in capacities that still amaze me. I am not who I was, before. And it makes me realize just how much people can change, when they are willing and have the support in which to do so.
I don't have much by the world's standards, but I have everything I need, and more. I love my life, every single day.
And I love you all, with all my heart...
Mom
Monday, 2 January 2012
My Mother - Your Grandma
Hello children, mom here...
I have rarely talked to you about my mother. I guess for many years it was because I was so angry with her, and I just couldn't, didn't want to, talk about her at all! But times are changing, and I've found forgiveness, and I want to be able to tell you about her..at least a little bit.
Where shall I begin? My mom was, really, a pretty special lady. She was an incredibly hard worker. She loved my dad. She loved us, too, the best she knew how. While I have always been able to remember her anger - I'm finding more and more how I'm able to remember the good things about her. Which is what I wanted to share with you.
Even as I write this, I remember her face. Her nose had a little crook in it, like a bumpy ski slope. Her hair and makeup where always kept done 'just so'. She had curly, really dark brown hair that she put up in curlers every night before bed. I can't even remember ever seeing her hair before the curlers. I don't know whether it was even curly, or straight. She was a big woman for many years. Then she became ill, and had to eat nothing but baby food for months. She lost all her weight, then. It was a year or so before I got married. You will see by her picture at my wedding just how thin she became.
My mom was feisty, too. She had a mind of her own and didn't mind using it. I did not inherit that part of her. I wish I had. It seemed like two of my sisters got it, and myself and your aunt Barb did not. Oh well. Of my mom and dad, she was the most outspoken of the two. Dad was fairly quiet and reserved.
One thing I loved about my mom was her ability to recite poetry. Do you remember any of the poems I recited to you when you were little? I only remembered two, but there were many more. I used to sit by her and she'd recite to me and I'd love it....
She also made all my clothes. Yes, sewed them all herself! And she made sure, somehow, even though we had very little money, that we were all so nicely dressed, especially on Sunday mornings. I remember some of the outfits she made me....and as I got older, into my early teens, I remember not being so thankful she was making my clothes. I always felt out of place at school - always felt I looked 'different' and it made me feel awkward. And of course I would get mad at mom.....I remember one jacket she made for me, and she spent weeks and weeks (and weeks) embroidering a huge picture on the back of my jacket. And when she finished it I wouldn't wear it. She must have felt hurt by that...it makes me sad to think of it.
I remember her laugh...funny, hey, how I can remember that after so long? Maybe it was because it was more of a cackle....hehe...she would throw her head back and...and....cackle is the only word I can come up with! My mom was also tone deaf...literally, she sounded like a cat being murdered when she sang. (And I don't think she'd mind my saying so!) Problem was, she LIKED to sing, and we'd all give her a hard time when she did so....
She was always well-dressed - never went outside the house in anything but a completed outfit. She was a pretty good cook, as well. I remember roast beef dinners every Sunday night when she wasn't working. She worked full time, though, so that was not every week.
She adored her grandkids, and I know she would have adored all of you. Makes me sad you never got to meet her, honestly. Makes me sad she left us........but somehow I feel she knows you, anyhow...
Even with all the nonsense that went on in our house, there were good times, too. And my mom did help create those good times for us.....
Love,
Mom xxoo
I have rarely talked to you about my mother. I guess for many years it was because I was so angry with her, and I just couldn't, didn't want to, talk about her at all! But times are changing, and I've found forgiveness, and I want to be able to tell you about her..at least a little bit.
Where shall I begin? My mom was, really, a pretty special lady. She was an incredibly hard worker. She loved my dad. She loved us, too, the best she knew how. While I have always been able to remember her anger - I'm finding more and more how I'm able to remember the good things about her. Which is what I wanted to share with you.
Even as I write this, I remember her face. Her nose had a little crook in it, like a bumpy ski slope. Her hair and makeup where always kept done 'just so'. She had curly, really dark brown hair that she put up in curlers every night before bed. I can't even remember ever seeing her hair before the curlers. I don't know whether it was even curly, or straight. She was a big woman for many years. Then she became ill, and had to eat nothing but baby food for months. She lost all her weight, then. It was a year or so before I got married. You will see by her picture at my wedding just how thin she became.
My mom was feisty, too. She had a mind of her own and didn't mind using it. I did not inherit that part of her. I wish I had. It seemed like two of my sisters got it, and myself and your aunt Barb did not. Oh well. Of my mom and dad, she was the most outspoken of the two. Dad was fairly quiet and reserved.
One thing I loved about my mom was her ability to recite poetry. Do you remember any of the poems I recited to you when you were little? I only remembered two, but there were many more. I used to sit by her and she'd recite to me and I'd love it....
She also made all my clothes. Yes, sewed them all herself! And she made sure, somehow, even though we had very little money, that we were all so nicely dressed, especially on Sunday mornings. I remember some of the outfits she made me....and as I got older, into my early teens, I remember not being so thankful she was making my clothes. I always felt out of place at school - always felt I looked 'different' and it made me feel awkward. And of course I would get mad at mom.....I remember one jacket she made for me, and she spent weeks and weeks (and weeks) embroidering a huge picture on the back of my jacket. And when she finished it I wouldn't wear it. She must have felt hurt by that...it makes me sad to think of it.
I remember her laugh...funny, hey, how I can remember that after so long? Maybe it was because it was more of a cackle....hehe...she would throw her head back and...and....cackle is the only word I can come up with! My mom was also tone deaf...literally, she sounded like a cat being murdered when she sang. (And I don't think she'd mind my saying so!) Problem was, she LIKED to sing, and we'd all give her a hard time when she did so....
She was always well-dressed - never went outside the house in anything but a completed outfit. She was a pretty good cook, as well. I remember roast beef dinners every Sunday night when she wasn't working. She worked full time, though, so that was not every week.
She adored her grandkids, and I know she would have adored all of you. Makes me sad you never got to meet her, honestly. Makes me sad she left us........but somehow I feel she knows you, anyhow...
Even with all the nonsense that went on in our house, there were good times, too. And my mom did help create those good times for us.....
Love,
Mom xxoo
Happy 2012!
Hello children, mom here....
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I'm sorry! I write blog posts in my mind a lot, but it seems harder to actually put them 'on the page'....
I wanted to tell you about something inside me that keeps me moving forward, no matter what. It's as if there's some kind of spirit inside me - perhaps my 'inner self', and when I close my eyes I envision a small version of me and she's always beckoning me forward. This little 'self' has been responsible for my never giving up. Especially during the times when I was really struggling - she would never let me just throw in the towel.
I don't know if we all have that tiny version of ourselves inside, but I think we must. I think not everyone is open to meeting that inner part of ourselves - but those who are receive an extra burst of something from inside that keeps them going no matter how desperate the times might feel...
I remember the day when life began to unravel for me, and I 'hated' God for all the trouble we were in. That one day is still so clear in my mind. Dad and I both felt like life was coming together for us. Dad had this great job at an electronics firm that was actually making a TON of money for it's employees, and some had even become rich from their shares in it. And I had graduated dental assisting and was working part time, making good money, too!
I remember feeling the excitement of the 'possibilities' that awaited us now that we were both working and money could start rolling in. We wouldn't have to struggle any more! We would be able to spend, and save, and even invest! At last we were going to be ok!
And then there was that day, that dark, dark day it all fell apart. I remember doing dishes at the kitchen sink. It was after lunch, around 2, maybe. I remember looking up and out the sliding glass door of our townhouse. What did I see? Dad. Walking toward the house. In the middle of the day. When he should have been working. I remember my heart falling into my stomach....
And rightly so. He'd been laid off. Laid off from a company who was supposedly doing well, but in fact was losing money and about to go bankrupt. And I remember feeling the dread settle in. I remember the anger.......the rage!
Was God kidding? Just at a time when all was really going well, this had to happen? This, this, THING that was out of our control.....why, God? WHY US???? Why not somebody else? Did we really deserve this? Were we not meant to be able to get ahead in life? How COULD this happen? Things were really going well for us! WHY did You do this to us???? I HATE YOU, GOD!!!!
Needless to say, that day was a rough day. Which turned into a rough week. Then a rough month, and on and on. In the months and even years that followed, I felt like giving up many, many times. But deep inside me there was this voice calling me to keep going. When I closed my eyes I could see her, this tiny imp, her hand beckoning me to her. She was always ahead of me, in the distance. I could never quite catch up to her. She was always there. Always. In the difficult days that were to follow that dark one, I sometimes could barely get out of bed. But she was always beckoning to me. Even when I was too depressed to listen and just wanted her to go away, she was there. Telling me to come. Just keep coming toward her.......... Today I call her my 'spirit guide'. Without her I'm not sure how I would have made it.
I didn't tell you this story to make you sad, or mad. I told you this story because I wanted to show you that we all have, inside of us, a 'voice', or a 'spirit', or an 'inner child' that is there to keep us moving forward, no matter how bad things seem. But not every one of us is open to hearing that tiny voice. I urge you all to listen for it. It is so, so tiny that you must make yourself quiet in order to hear it. But it is there. I call it God's voice, some call it intuition, but whatever it is to you, it is there to help keep you going and to guide you on.
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I'm sorry! I write blog posts in my mind a lot, but it seems harder to actually put them 'on the page'....
I wanted to tell you about something inside me that keeps me moving forward, no matter what. It's as if there's some kind of spirit inside me - perhaps my 'inner self', and when I close my eyes I envision a small version of me and she's always beckoning me forward. This little 'self' has been responsible for my never giving up. Especially during the times when I was really struggling - she would never let me just throw in the towel.
I don't know if we all have that tiny version of ourselves inside, but I think we must. I think not everyone is open to meeting that inner part of ourselves - but those who are receive an extra burst of something from inside that keeps them going no matter how desperate the times might feel...
I remember the day when life began to unravel for me, and I 'hated' God for all the trouble we were in. That one day is still so clear in my mind. Dad and I both felt like life was coming together for us. Dad had this great job at an electronics firm that was actually making a TON of money for it's employees, and some had even become rich from their shares in it. And I had graduated dental assisting and was working part time, making good money, too!
I remember feeling the excitement of the 'possibilities' that awaited us now that we were both working and money could start rolling in. We wouldn't have to struggle any more! We would be able to spend, and save, and even invest! At last we were going to be ok!
And then there was that day, that dark, dark day it all fell apart. I remember doing dishes at the kitchen sink. It was after lunch, around 2, maybe. I remember looking up and out the sliding glass door of our townhouse. What did I see? Dad. Walking toward the house. In the middle of the day. When he should have been working. I remember my heart falling into my stomach....
And rightly so. He'd been laid off. Laid off from a company who was supposedly doing well, but in fact was losing money and about to go bankrupt. And I remember feeling the dread settle in. I remember the anger.......the rage!
Was God kidding? Just at a time when all was really going well, this had to happen? This, this, THING that was out of our control.....why, God? WHY US???? Why not somebody else? Did we really deserve this? Were we not meant to be able to get ahead in life? How COULD this happen? Things were really going well for us! WHY did You do this to us???? I HATE YOU, GOD!!!!
Needless to say, that day was a rough day. Which turned into a rough week. Then a rough month, and on and on. In the months and even years that followed, I felt like giving up many, many times. But deep inside me there was this voice calling me to keep going. When I closed my eyes I could see her, this tiny imp, her hand beckoning me to her. She was always ahead of me, in the distance. I could never quite catch up to her. She was always there. Always. In the difficult days that were to follow that dark one, I sometimes could barely get out of bed. But she was always beckoning to me. Even when I was too depressed to listen and just wanted her to go away, she was there. Telling me to come. Just keep coming toward her.......... Today I call her my 'spirit guide'. Without her I'm not sure how I would have made it.
I didn't tell you this story to make you sad, or mad. I told you this story because I wanted to show you that we all have, inside of us, a 'voice', or a 'spirit', or an 'inner child' that is there to keep us moving forward, no matter how bad things seem. But not every one of us is open to hearing that tiny voice. I urge you all to listen for it. It is so, so tiny that you must make yourself quiet in order to hear it. But it is there. I call it God's voice, some call it intuition, but whatever it is to you, it is there to help keep you going and to guide you on.
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