Happy 2012!

Hello children, mom here....

I know, I know, it's been awhile.  I'm sorry!  I write blog posts in my mind a lot, but it seems harder to actually put them 'on the page'....

I wanted to tell you about something inside me that keeps me moving forward, no matter what.  It's as if there's some kind of spirit inside me - perhaps my 'inner self', and when I close my eyes I envision a small version of me and she's always beckoning me forward.  This little 'self' has been responsible for my never giving up.  Especially during the times when I was really struggling - she would never let me just throw in the towel.

I don't know if we all have that tiny version of ourselves inside, but I think we must.  I think not everyone is open to meeting that inner part of ourselves - but those who are receive an extra burst of something from inside that keeps them going no matter how desperate the times might feel...

I remember the day when life began to unravel for me, and I 'hated' God for all the trouble we were in. That one day is still so clear in my mind.  Dad and I both felt like life was coming together for us.  Dad had this great job at an electronics firm that was actually making a TON of money for it's employees, and some had even become rich from their shares in it.  And I had graduated dental assisting and was working part time, making good money, too!

I  remember feeling the excitement of the 'possibilities' that awaited us now that we were both working and money could start rolling in.  We wouldn't have to struggle any more!  We would be able to spend, and save, and even invest!  At last we were going to be ok!

And then there was that day, that dark, dark day it all fell apart.  I remember doing dishes at the kitchen sink.  It was after lunch, around 2, maybe.  I remember looking up and out the sliding glass door of our townhouse.  What did I see? Dad.  Walking toward the house. In the middle of the day.  When he should have been working.  I remember my heart falling into my stomach....

And rightly so.  He'd been laid off.  Laid off from a company who was supposedly doing well, but in fact was losing money and about to go bankrupt.  And I remember feeling the dread settle in.  I remember the anger.......the rage!

Was God kidding?  Just at a time when all was really going well, this had to happen?  This, this, THING that was out of our control.....why, God?  WHY US???? Why not somebody else? Did we really deserve this?  Were we not meant to be able to get ahead in life?  How COULD this happen? Things were really going well for us!  WHY did You do this to us????   I HATE YOU, GOD!!!!

Needless to say, that day was a rough day.  Which turned into a rough week.  Then a rough month, and on and on.  In the months and even years that followed, I felt like giving up many, many times.  But deep inside me there was this voice calling me to keep going.  When I closed my eyes I could see her, this tiny imp, her hand beckoning me to her.  She was always ahead of me, in the distance.  I could never quite catch up to her.  She was always there.  Always.  In the difficult days that were to follow that dark one, I sometimes could barely get out of bed.  But she was always beckoning to me. Even when I was too depressed to listen and just wanted her to go away, she was there.  Telling me to come.   Just keep coming toward her.......... Today I call her my 'spirit guide'.  Without her I'm not sure how I would have made it.

I didn't tell you this story to make you sad, or mad.  I told you this story because I wanted to show you that we all have, inside of us, a 'voice', or a 'spirit', or an 'inner child' that is there to keep us moving forward, no matter how bad things seem.  But not every one of us is open to hearing that tiny voice.  I urge you all to listen for it.  It is so, so tiny that you must make yourself quiet in order to hear it.  But it is there.  I call it God's voice, some call it intuition, but whatever it is to you, it is there to help keep you going and to guide you on.