Hello kids, you-know-who-speaking...
A little (old) journal entry to share with you...yes, I've been writing a very long time. Just never thought anyone might want to listen until more recently....
September 17, 1994
"Tonight, as every night, my daughters and I went through the bedtime routine - pj's on, teeth brushed, stories, songs, prayers, kisses, I Love You's. Tonight, though, my four year old, Jayne, asked if she could tell us a story, so she sat up in bed and rattled on about some funny men wearing funny helmets and going up into space - 'what are those men called again, mommy?'
As she talked I watched her sweet, innocent face in the glow of the night light. I have been aware of her very recent step into independence. I can feel the apron strings which have been tied so tightly around her and I, loosening ever-so-slowly, as she steps out gingerly to find her footing in what has been for her a scary world. And though at times I've wanted this moment to come, now that it is arriving I feel I'm not ready just yet. I'm not ready for her to be able reason things out. I am not ready to drop her off at preschool and have her wave 'bye mom!' so easily, when in times past she has clung securely to my side. What a change! What a shock to my system it has been! Of course I am proud, and happy to see her growing in confidence, but still there's that part of me that says NO, NOT YET, PLEASE!
I watch her animated face and listen to her wonderful lisp as she finishes her story, and I realize, to use an old cliché - time sure flies when you're having fun! And I am having so much fun, mothering these three wonderful children! But they are growing, so quickly! My oldest, Anna, is almost seven, and my youngest, Evan, is already over one year old! Right now they still need me very much, and I need to be needed by them! But with each year, those needs become less and less until - what? What happens when they no longer come to us to kiss their owwies or cuddle them in our laps or wrestle with them? New stages of life, I guess. I really shouldn't get ahead of myself....
As I kiss and cuddle Jayne and Anna one last time before I leave their room, I realize afresh that I need to savor these moments while they are young - while they are still dependent and cuddly and silly and easy to please. Because I'll surely miss them when they're all grown up - too old for all that silly kissing and cuddling and hugging stuff - old enough to make their own choices. So, I'll enjoy each special time now, and I'll make sure there are LOTS of them, so when I feel like I need a child-hug I can dig back into my memory and there will be lots to choose from...."
Love to each of you,
From your silly-sentimental ol' mom
xxxooo
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