How I cried, that first day of kindergarten! I remember it too well, grabbing on to my mothers dress and sobbing into her. How difficult it must have been for her. And it didn't get any better, either. In fact, I cried so many mornings they decided I wasn't ready for kindergarten at all, and took me out. But that didn't stop my crying. I cried Every Single Day of the school year up until grade four. Not just crying...sobbing till I lost my breath...and/ or threw up. I remember one of my brothers, who walked me to school, getting so angry with me because I wouldn't stop crying. He must have hated having to take me...
I'm not quite sure what the difference grade four made, but suddenly I loved school. Miss Harvey, my teacher, might have made the difference. Or the fact that I finally received the eyeglasses I needed to see! But everything turned around then, much to the relief of my mom and, probably, the rest of my family...
My mother must have been beside herself, honestly. I remember you, J and E, having trouble as well. It was so not easy to leave you there, crying. I would stand outside the door and cry myself. But eventually you did settle in, and way before grade four, too.
Back when I was little, there was no access to school counsellors - I don't even know if the position existed - but I'm pretty sure I needed one. No child should have to be so frightened for so many years to leave her mothers side. Knowing all I know now, I understand more about the why. But I still feel sad for that little girl, who didn't get what she needed back then...
I was, though, a pretty needy child, all around. Highly sensitive is the name they give to us now. There are even books about Highly Sensitive people! We now know so much more than when I was young! I think this is a great time to be living, for so many reasons...
Just some thoughts for today... :)
Love you,
Mom
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Trying to 'change it up' a bit...
Hello Kids,
I've decided to come at this with a different slant. Talk more to you about day to day, what I'm thinking, or something similar. I realized that an awful LOT of my childhood memories are not happy ones, and I don't want to depress you! So, as I think of the good ones, I'll share them, and I'll share other things, as well....AND try to leave the 'preachy' behind. You'll be happy about that, I'm sure! :)
I've been thinking about my parents quite a bit, lately. I realized the other day they had been married 32 years when Dad died. That's a pretty long time. And, they seemed happily married. As I look back, knowing what I know now, I could say their love was pretty dysfunctional. But, who am I to say that, after all? They seemed happy and quite content with how they loved one another. Nobody told them they were 'doing it wrong'. They did it the best way they knew how, and that way was totally ok for them.
The older I get, the less I understand, honestly. There was a time (when I was still really, really angry) when I scoffed at their love, thinking "I'll never love like that!". But nowadays, with my being a little older and wiser, maybe, I realize we are ALL dysfunctional in one way or another. Who am I to judge how they loved? To them, they loved well.....and now I see that that was a blessing in itself...
I miss my parents. I can truly say that and mean it, now. I wish they were here. I wish you could have known them. As I get older I'm beginning to realize the importance of family, and making the effort to keep in touch. For me, it's always been a big effort. But nowadays I'm thinking, maybe it IS worth it...?
Love you,
Mama
I've decided to come at this with a different slant. Talk more to you about day to day, what I'm thinking, or something similar. I realized that an awful LOT of my childhood memories are not happy ones, and I don't want to depress you! So, as I think of the good ones, I'll share them, and I'll share other things, as well....AND try to leave the 'preachy' behind. You'll be happy about that, I'm sure! :)
I've been thinking about my parents quite a bit, lately. I realized the other day they had been married 32 years when Dad died. That's a pretty long time. And, they seemed happily married. As I look back, knowing what I know now, I could say their love was pretty dysfunctional. But, who am I to say that, after all? They seemed happy and quite content with how they loved one another. Nobody told them they were 'doing it wrong'. They did it the best way they knew how, and that way was totally ok for them.
The older I get, the less I understand, honestly. There was a time (when I was still really, really angry) when I scoffed at their love, thinking "I'll never love like that!". But nowadays, with my being a little older and wiser, maybe, I realize we are ALL dysfunctional in one way or another. Who am I to judge how they loved? To them, they loved well.....and now I see that that was a blessing in itself...
I miss my parents. I can truly say that and mean it, now. I wish they were here. I wish you could have known them. As I get older I'm beginning to realize the importance of family, and making the effort to keep in touch. For me, it's always been a big effort. But nowadays I'm thinking, maybe it IS worth it...?
Love you,
Mama
Friday, 4 January 2013
Well, my children...
Here I am again. Back for another try. I've been gone from the blog a long time, as you might have noticed :) I guess I began to be worried I didn't have enough to say. Couldn't remember stories, and that made me a bit sad, I guess.
But, I'm here for another try. Bear with me, as I warm up again...and I'll think of what I can about my young life..the good things, at least. My writing might take a bit of a turn, who knows? I'm here, but I don't have a firm plan in mind as yet. I just wanted to return, because in the end I want to leave this for you all, something to share with you, and also to leave with you, after I'm gone. Not that I plan to go anywhere, but you know what I mean. We don't live forever on this earth...
I love you all...
Mom
But, I'm here for another try. Bear with me, as I warm up again...and I'll think of what I can about my young life..the good things, at least. My writing might take a bit of a turn, who knows? I'm here, but I don't have a firm plan in mind as yet. I just wanted to return, because in the end I want to leave this for you all, something to share with you, and also to leave with you, after I'm gone. Not that I plan to go anywhere, but you know what I mean. We don't live forever on this earth...
I love you all...
Mom
Sunday, 18 March 2012
On your Grandpa...
Hello lovely children, mom here...
About Grandpa. Again, someone I've never told you about. Sad, I know-but it hurt me to talk about my family at all, I guess, at least until I got the anger and sadness out. But I'll try, now, at least a little...
Your Grandpa was handsome! He had eyes like Anthony Hopkins - and every time I see Mr. Hopkins on the screen I am instantly reminded of Dad. And he had this great chuckle - I can still hear it, you know? Funny thing, how I can remember my Dad's laughter, after all this time. He absolutely loved nature, and would often take my younger brother and I on long walks in the woods, and teach us about plants and trees, and make 'acorn pipes' for us - tiny acorns stabbed with a small stick - simple, but thrilling to us as little people.
Your grandpa was a hard working man. He was the Foreman and Union Representative at one of the factories in our town. Honestly, , I don't know how they did it, mom and dad. Worked full time and came home to raise ten children. Pretty unbelievable, honestly. I remember Dad coming home from work one night and one of my six brothers was hiding under the table. Dad said....'get out from under there...(one name)...I mean (another name)...I mean (yet another name)........ohhhhh stay under there!' He had so many kids he couldn't keep our names straight! That was pretty funny, for sure.
Your Grandpa loved to tell jokes, and loved to laugh. He also was a hunter and fisherman. He would go deer hunting every fall and we would eat venison throughout the winter. He also hunted ducks. And caught fish. He taught your uncles to do all of that, and I think they still do. We had numerous guns in our house, and thought nothing of it. Nowadays, I'd be horrified to have a gun in the house - and am horrified to think of a beautiful deer being shot. Funny, since I grew up in that environment...
I think I was ten when he had his first heart attack. He would have been in his late forties, I think. I remember being outside, and seeing the ambulance drivers bring the bed into the house. No one had told me what had happened. I remember being too frightened to go into the house, and I just stood there, in our front yard, not knowing what to do, until the drivers brought dad out on the stretcher and carried him down the sidewalk. I remember him looking at me and saying 'don't worry, I'll be home soon'. I remember wrapping myself in the sheets that were hanging on the line, and crying. Funny thing...no one ever talked to me about that day. I went into the house and no one thought it might be important to put my mind at ease...or even tell me what had happened. That's what it was like, living in my family. A bit crazy....
You know, as I sit here writing, I realize how very few memories I do have of him. I wish I did have more......I'll 'think harder' to try to find some, and write again about him soon...
Love,
Mom
About Grandpa. Again, someone I've never told you about. Sad, I know-but it hurt me to talk about my family at all, I guess, at least until I got the anger and sadness out. But I'll try, now, at least a little...
Your Grandpa was handsome! He had eyes like Anthony Hopkins - and every time I see Mr. Hopkins on the screen I am instantly reminded of Dad. And he had this great chuckle - I can still hear it, you know? Funny thing, how I can remember my Dad's laughter, after all this time. He absolutely loved nature, and would often take my younger brother and I on long walks in the woods, and teach us about plants and trees, and make 'acorn pipes' for us - tiny acorns stabbed with a small stick - simple, but thrilling to us as little people.
Your grandpa was a hard working man. He was the Foreman and Union Representative at one of the factories in our town. Honestly, , I don't know how they did it, mom and dad. Worked full time and came home to raise ten children. Pretty unbelievable, honestly. I remember Dad coming home from work one night and one of my six brothers was hiding under the table. Dad said....'get out from under there...(one name)...I mean (another name)...I mean (yet another name)........ohhhhh stay under there!' He had so many kids he couldn't keep our names straight! That was pretty funny, for sure.
Your Grandpa loved to tell jokes, and loved to laugh. He also was a hunter and fisherman. He would go deer hunting every fall and we would eat venison throughout the winter. He also hunted ducks. And caught fish. He taught your uncles to do all of that, and I think they still do. We had numerous guns in our house, and thought nothing of it. Nowadays, I'd be horrified to have a gun in the house - and am horrified to think of a beautiful deer being shot. Funny, since I grew up in that environment...
I think I was ten when he had his first heart attack. He would have been in his late forties, I think. I remember being outside, and seeing the ambulance drivers bring the bed into the house. No one had told me what had happened. I remember being too frightened to go into the house, and I just stood there, in our front yard, not knowing what to do, until the drivers brought dad out on the stretcher and carried him down the sidewalk. I remember him looking at me and saying 'don't worry, I'll be home soon'. I remember wrapping myself in the sheets that were hanging on the line, and crying. Funny thing...no one ever talked to me about that day. I went into the house and no one thought it might be important to put my mind at ease...or even tell me what had happened. That's what it was like, living in my family. A bit crazy....
You know, as I sit here writing, I realize how very few memories I do have of him. I wish I did have more......I'll 'think harder' to try to find some, and write again about him soon...
Love,
Mom
Sunday, 11 March 2012
A Story For You...
Hello kids, you-know-who-speaking...
A little (old) journal entry to share with you...yes, I've been writing a very long time. Just never thought anyone might want to listen until more recently....
September 17, 1994
"Tonight, as every night, my daughters and I went through the bedtime routine - pj's on, teeth brushed, stories, songs, prayers, kisses, I Love You's. Tonight, though, my four year old, Jayne, asked if she could tell us a story, so she sat up in bed and rattled on about some funny men wearing funny helmets and going up into space - 'what are those men called again, mommy?'
As she talked I watched her sweet, innocent face in the glow of the night light. I have been aware of her very recent step into independence. I can feel the apron strings which have been tied so tightly around her and I, loosening ever-so-slowly, as she steps out gingerly to find her footing in what has been for her a scary world. And though at times I've wanted this moment to come, now that it is arriving I feel I'm not ready just yet. I'm not ready for her to be able reason things out. I am not ready to drop her off at preschool and have her wave 'bye mom!' so easily, when in times past she has clung securely to my side. What a change! What a shock to my system it has been! Of course I am proud, and happy to see her growing in confidence, but still there's that part of me that says NO, NOT YET, PLEASE!
I watch her animated face and listen to her wonderful lisp as she finishes her story, and I realize, to use an old cliché - time sure flies when you're having fun! And I am having so much fun, mothering these three wonderful children! But they are growing, so quickly! My oldest, Anna, is almost seven, and my youngest, Evan, is already over one year old! Right now they still need me very much, and I need to be needed by them! But with each year, those needs become less and less until - what? What happens when they no longer come to us to kiss their owwies or cuddle them in our laps or wrestle with them? New stages of life, I guess. I really shouldn't get ahead of myself....
As I kiss and cuddle Jayne and Anna one last time before I leave their room, I realize afresh that I need to savor these moments while they are young - while they are still dependent and cuddly and silly and easy to please. Because I'll surely miss them when they're all grown up - too old for all that silly kissing and cuddling and hugging stuff - old enough to make their own choices. So, I'll enjoy each special time now, and I'll make sure there are LOTS of them, so when I feel like I need a child-hug I can dig back into my memory and there will be lots to choose from...."
Love to each of you,
From your silly-sentimental ol' mom
xxxooo
A little (old) journal entry to share with you...yes, I've been writing a very long time. Just never thought anyone might want to listen until more recently....
September 17, 1994
"Tonight, as every night, my daughters and I went through the bedtime routine - pj's on, teeth brushed, stories, songs, prayers, kisses, I Love You's. Tonight, though, my four year old, Jayne, asked if she could tell us a story, so she sat up in bed and rattled on about some funny men wearing funny helmets and going up into space - 'what are those men called again, mommy?'
As she talked I watched her sweet, innocent face in the glow of the night light. I have been aware of her very recent step into independence. I can feel the apron strings which have been tied so tightly around her and I, loosening ever-so-slowly, as she steps out gingerly to find her footing in what has been for her a scary world. And though at times I've wanted this moment to come, now that it is arriving I feel I'm not ready just yet. I'm not ready for her to be able reason things out. I am not ready to drop her off at preschool and have her wave 'bye mom!' so easily, when in times past she has clung securely to my side. What a change! What a shock to my system it has been! Of course I am proud, and happy to see her growing in confidence, but still there's that part of me that says NO, NOT YET, PLEASE!
I watch her animated face and listen to her wonderful lisp as she finishes her story, and I realize, to use an old cliché - time sure flies when you're having fun! And I am having so much fun, mothering these three wonderful children! But they are growing, so quickly! My oldest, Anna, is almost seven, and my youngest, Evan, is already over one year old! Right now they still need me very much, and I need to be needed by them! But with each year, those needs become less and less until - what? What happens when they no longer come to us to kiss their owwies or cuddle them in our laps or wrestle with them? New stages of life, I guess. I really shouldn't get ahead of myself....
As I kiss and cuddle Jayne and Anna one last time before I leave their room, I realize afresh that I need to savor these moments while they are young - while they are still dependent and cuddly and silly and easy to please. Because I'll surely miss them when they're all grown up - too old for all that silly kissing and cuddling and hugging stuff - old enough to make their own choices. So, I'll enjoy each special time now, and I'll make sure there are LOTS of them, so when I feel like I need a child-hug I can dig back into my memory and there will be lots to choose from...."
Love to each of you,
From your silly-sentimental ol' mom
xxxooo
More Stories, please!
Hello Children, mom here.....
After my first short poll on how I was doing writing this, I was told - more stories! - and (maybe) a bit less preaching.....(not really said but implied). I'll tell you more stories, my loves. But I'll also tell you these other things, because I am your mother, and because I know what it's like to not have a mother who shared her life with me - both good and bad. I truly regret not having that. And I will not always be around -though if I have my way I'll be around a good, long time yet!
There are so many things I wish I knew about her! Who was she when she was married at the incredibly early age of seventeen? What was her relationship with her father like? Her mother? Her siblings? What hopes and dreams did she have? How did she see herself in the world? Did she feel like she fit in? And the one I wish I knew most of all......why, oh why, was she so incredibly angry? What failed to happen for her that caused her to be so scary to us...that caused her to continually threaten to leave us all - and yet, still be able to show a very loving side as well......
So, I hope you don't mind that I share some things with you - and sometimes they might seem a bit preachy. If you don't like some of those entries, well, just skip them for the lighter ones, and come back to them when you're good and ready. But I want you to know all there is to know. I want you to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to where I am right now. So that when I'm not around, you won't be able to say as I have said so much...."I barely knew my mother". That is one sad statement.
Stay tuned....
Mom
After my first short poll on how I was doing writing this, I was told - more stories! - and (maybe) a bit less preaching.....(not really said but implied). I'll tell you more stories, my loves. But I'll also tell you these other things, because I am your mother, and because I know what it's like to not have a mother who shared her life with me - both good and bad. I truly regret not having that. And I will not always be around -though if I have my way I'll be around a good, long time yet!
There are so many things I wish I knew about her! Who was she when she was married at the incredibly early age of seventeen? What was her relationship with her father like? Her mother? Her siblings? What hopes and dreams did she have? How did she see herself in the world? Did she feel like she fit in? And the one I wish I knew most of all......why, oh why, was she so incredibly angry? What failed to happen for her that caused her to be so scary to us...that caused her to continually threaten to leave us all - and yet, still be able to show a very loving side as well......
So, I hope you don't mind that I share some things with you - and sometimes they might seem a bit preachy. If you don't like some of those entries, well, just skip them for the lighter ones, and come back to them when you're good and ready. But I want you to know all there is to know. I want you to know who I am, who I was, and how I got to where I am right now. So that when I'm not around, you won't be able to say as I have said so much...."I barely knew my mother". That is one sad statement.
Stay tuned....
Mom
Saturday, 4 February 2012
To My Daughters....
Hello, my beautiful daughters, mom here....
Always remember - You. Are. Powerful. And everything you need to be the best person you can, is right there, inside you. Often, we don't see it. Or can't acknowledge it. It's easier to say, 'I just can't do it!" But, I have learned in my years, that I CAN do it. And so can you. Whatever "IT" is.
Sometimes, as women, we try to 'dumb ourselves down' - to feel accepted by others. DON'T. The two of you are so strong, so intelligent, and have so much to give this world! If others don't get it, that's not your fault. BE the lovely women that you ARE, every moment of every day. Others might not understand that light that is inside you. Shine brightly, anyway.
Remember, you matter! Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter! Your ideas matter! You have a right to be heard, and not silenced, or teased, or made to feel small. Don't let anyone do that to you!
In order to have what it takes to care for others, you must care for yourself, first. That's a concept that was pretty foreign to me, your mom. I was taught that it was always others first. But you cannot be there in a healthy way for others unless you have filled yourself with whatever it is you need to be full of energy and light...whether that be quiet time, a hot bath, a nap, meditation, yoga, prayer, time to cry or be angry, whatever. Give yourself what you need. Then and only then will you have what it takes to be effective and happy in the world.
Never give up your power. It is so easy to do, sometimes! Sometimes we feel that 'inner child' coming out, and feel like we have to give up and live small and let others do it for us. Catch yourself when that happens. Reassure that inner child that you, your adult self, is in charge. Take back that power before you become so vulnerable that you are hurt or abused.
Always remember - You Are Powerful. You Are Amazing. You Are a Bright Light in this World. Shine!
All my love,
Mom
Always remember - You. Are. Powerful. And everything you need to be the best person you can, is right there, inside you. Often, we don't see it. Or can't acknowledge it. It's easier to say, 'I just can't do it!" But, I have learned in my years, that I CAN do it. And so can you. Whatever "IT" is.
Sometimes, as women, we try to 'dumb ourselves down' - to feel accepted by others. DON'T. The two of you are so strong, so intelligent, and have so much to give this world! If others don't get it, that's not your fault. BE the lovely women that you ARE, every moment of every day. Others might not understand that light that is inside you. Shine brightly, anyway.
Remember, you matter! Your thoughts matter. Your feelings matter. Your opinions matter! Your ideas matter! You have a right to be heard, and not silenced, or teased, or made to feel small. Don't let anyone do that to you!
In order to have what it takes to care for others, you must care for yourself, first. That's a concept that was pretty foreign to me, your mom. I was taught that it was always others first. But you cannot be there in a healthy way for others unless you have filled yourself with whatever it is you need to be full of energy and light...whether that be quiet time, a hot bath, a nap, meditation, yoga, prayer, time to cry or be angry, whatever. Give yourself what you need. Then and only then will you have what it takes to be effective and happy in the world.
Never give up your power. It is so easy to do, sometimes! Sometimes we feel that 'inner child' coming out, and feel like we have to give up and live small and let others do it for us. Catch yourself when that happens. Reassure that inner child that you, your adult self, is in charge. Take back that power before you become so vulnerable that you are hurt or abused.
Always remember - You Are Powerful. You Are Amazing. You Are a Bright Light in this World. Shine!
All my love,
Mom
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)