Hello children, mom here...
I have rarely talked to you about my mother. I guess for many years it was because I was so angry with her, and I just couldn't, didn't want to, talk about her at all! But times are changing, and I've found forgiveness, and I want to be able to tell you about her..at least a little bit.
Where shall I begin? My mom was, really, a pretty special lady. She was an incredibly hard worker. She loved my dad. She loved us, too, the best she knew how. While I have always been able to remember her anger - I'm finding more and more how I'm able to remember the good things about her. Which is what I wanted to share with you.
Even as I write this, I remember her face. Her nose had a little crook in it, like a bumpy ski slope. Her hair and makeup where always kept done 'just so'. She had curly, really dark brown hair that she put up in curlers every night before bed. I can't even remember ever seeing her hair before the curlers. I don't know whether it was even curly, or straight. She was a big woman for many years. Then she became ill, and had to eat nothing but baby food for months. She lost all her weight, then. It was a year or so before I got married. You will see by her picture at my wedding just how thin she became.
My mom was feisty, too. She had a mind of her own and didn't mind using it. I did not inherit that part of her. I wish I had. It seemed like two of my sisters got it, and myself and your aunt Barb did not. Oh well. Of my mom and dad, she was the most outspoken of the two. Dad was fairly quiet and reserved.
One thing I loved about my mom was her ability to recite poetry. Do you remember any of the poems I recited to you when you were little? I only remembered two, but there were many more. I used to sit by her and she'd recite to me and I'd love it....
She also made all my clothes. Yes, sewed them all herself! And she made sure, somehow, even though we had very little money, that we were all so nicely dressed, especially on Sunday mornings. I remember some of the outfits she made me....and as I got older, into my early teens, I remember not being so thankful she was making my clothes. I always felt out of place at school - always felt I looked 'different' and it made me feel awkward. And of course I would get mad at mom.....I remember one jacket she made for me, and she spent weeks and weeks (and weeks) embroidering a huge picture on the back of my jacket. And when she finished it I wouldn't wear it. She must have felt hurt by that...it makes me sad to think of it.
I remember her laugh...funny, hey, how I can remember that after so long? Maybe it was because it was more of a cackle....hehe...she would throw her head back and...and....cackle is the only word I can come up with! My mom was also tone deaf...literally, she sounded like a cat being murdered when she sang. (And I don't think she'd mind my saying so!) Problem was, she LIKED to sing, and we'd all give her a hard time when she did so....
She was always well-dressed - never went outside the house in anything but a completed outfit. She was a pretty good cook, as well. I remember roast beef dinners every Sunday night when she wasn't working. She worked full time, though, so that was not every week.
She adored her grandkids, and I know she would have adored all of you. Makes me sad you never got to meet her, honestly. Makes me sad she left us........but somehow I feel she knows you, anyhow...
Even with all the nonsense that went on in our house, there were good times, too. And my mom did help create those good times for us.....
Love,
Mom xxoo
Monday, 2 January 2012
Happy 2012!
Hello children, mom here....
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I'm sorry! I write blog posts in my mind a lot, but it seems harder to actually put them 'on the page'....
I wanted to tell you about something inside me that keeps me moving forward, no matter what. It's as if there's some kind of spirit inside me - perhaps my 'inner self', and when I close my eyes I envision a small version of me and she's always beckoning me forward. This little 'self' has been responsible for my never giving up. Especially during the times when I was really struggling - she would never let me just throw in the towel.
I don't know if we all have that tiny version of ourselves inside, but I think we must. I think not everyone is open to meeting that inner part of ourselves - but those who are receive an extra burst of something from inside that keeps them going no matter how desperate the times might feel...
I remember the day when life began to unravel for me, and I 'hated' God for all the trouble we were in. That one day is still so clear in my mind. Dad and I both felt like life was coming together for us. Dad had this great job at an electronics firm that was actually making a TON of money for it's employees, and some had even become rich from their shares in it. And I had graduated dental assisting and was working part time, making good money, too!
I remember feeling the excitement of the 'possibilities' that awaited us now that we were both working and money could start rolling in. We wouldn't have to struggle any more! We would be able to spend, and save, and even invest! At last we were going to be ok!
And then there was that day, that dark, dark day it all fell apart. I remember doing dishes at the kitchen sink. It was after lunch, around 2, maybe. I remember looking up and out the sliding glass door of our townhouse. What did I see? Dad. Walking toward the house. In the middle of the day. When he should have been working. I remember my heart falling into my stomach....
And rightly so. He'd been laid off. Laid off from a company who was supposedly doing well, but in fact was losing money and about to go bankrupt. And I remember feeling the dread settle in. I remember the anger.......the rage!
Was God kidding? Just at a time when all was really going well, this had to happen? This, this, THING that was out of our control.....why, God? WHY US???? Why not somebody else? Did we really deserve this? Were we not meant to be able to get ahead in life? How COULD this happen? Things were really going well for us! WHY did You do this to us???? I HATE YOU, GOD!!!!
Needless to say, that day was a rough day. Which turned into a rough week. Then a rough month, and on and on. In the months and even years that followed, I felt like giving up many, many times. But deep inside me there was this voice calling me to keep going. When I closed my eyes I could see her, this tiny imp, her hand beckoning me to her. She was always ahead of me, in the distance. I could never quite catch up to her. She was always there. Always. In the difficult days that were to follow that dark one, I sometimes could barely get out of bed. But she was always beckoning to me. Even when I was too depressed to listen and just wanted her to go away, she was there. Telling me to come. Just keep coming toward her.......... Today I call her my 'spirit guide'. Without her I'm not sure how I would have made it.
I didn't tell you this story to make you sad, or mad. I told you this story because I wanted to show you that we all have, inside of us, a 'voice', or a 'spirit', or an 'inner child' that is there to keep us moving forward, no matter how bad things seem. But not every one of us is open to hearing that tiny voice. I urge you all to listen for it. It is so, so tiny that you must make yourself quiet in order to hear it. But it is there. I call it God's voice, some call it intuition, but whatever it is to you, it is there to help keep you going and to guide you on.
I know, I know, it's been awhile. I'm sorry! I write blog posts in my mind a lot, but it seems harder to actually put them 'on the page'....
I wanted to tell you about something inside me that keeps me moving forward, no matter what. It's as if there's some kind of spirit inside me - perhaps my 'inner self', and when I close my eyes I envision a small version of me and she's always beckoning me forward. This little 'self' has been responsible for my never giving up. Especially during the times when I was really struggling - she would never let me just throw in the towel.
I don't know if we all have that tiny version of ourselves inside, but I think we must. I think not everyone is open to meeting that inner part of ourselves - but those who are receive an extra burst of something from inside that keeps them going no matter how desperate the times might feel...
I remember the day when life began to unravel for me, and I 'hated' God for all the trouble we were in. That one day is still so clear in my mind. Dad and I both felt like life was coming together for us. Dad had this great job at an electronics firm that was actually making a TON of money for it's employees, and some had even become rich from their shares in it. And I had graduated dental assisting and was working part time, making good money, too!
I remember feeling the excitement of the 'possibilities' that awaited us now that we were both working and money could start rolling in. We wouldn't have to struggle any more! We would be able to spend, and save, and even invest! At last we were going to be ok!
And then there was that day, that dark, dark day it all fell apart. I remember doing dishes at the kitchen sink. It was after lunch, around 2, maybe. I remember looking up and out the sliding glass door of our townhouse. What did I see? Dad. Walking toward the house. In the middle of the day. When he should have been working. I remember my heart falling into my stomach....
And rightly so. He'd been laid off. Laid off from a company who was supposedly doing well, but in fact was losing money and about to go bankrupt. And I remember feeling the dread settle in. I remember the anger.......the rage!
Was God kidding? Just at a time when all was really going well, this had to happen? This, this, THING that was out of our control.....why, God? WHY US???? Why not somebody else? Did we really deserve this? Were we not meant to be able to get ahead in life? How COULD this happen? Things were really going well for us! WHY did You do this to us???? I HATE YOU, GOD!!!!
Needless to say, that day was a rough day. Which turned into a rough week. Then a rough month, and on and on. In the months and even years that followed, I felt like giving up many, many times. But deep inside me there was this voice calling me to keep going. When I closed my eyes I could see her, this tiny imp, her hand beckoning me to her. She was always ahead of me, in the distance. I could never quite catch up to her. She was always there. Always. In the difficult days that were to follow that dark one, I sometimes could barely get out of bed. But she was always beckoning to me. Even when I was too depressed to listen and just wanted her to go away, she was there. Telling me to come. Just keep coming toward her.......... Today I call her my 'spirit guide'. Without her I'm not sure how I would have made it.
I didn't tell you this story to make you sad, or mad. I told you this story because I wanted to show you that we all have, inside of us, a 'voice', or a 'spirit', or an 'inner child' that is there to keep us moving forward, no matter how bad things seem. But not every one of us is open to hearing that tiny voice. I urge you all to listen for it. It is so, so tiny that you must make yourself quiet in order to hear it. But it is there. I call it God's voice, some call it intuition, but whatever it is to you, it is there to help keep you going and to guide you on.
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